Wildlife report: Californians

THE FOLLOWING IS A DISPATCH FROM THE WILDERNESS OF MONTANA.

We spotted one today. After tracking the traces of this species for over a week, we finally came in close contact with this particular kind of animal. And so now we’re reporting to you, to the world really, the behaviors of this variety of animal so that you too can broaden your horizons by learning about this strange, very strange, and unfortunately all too usual and predictable creature.

The Californian walks upright and has opposable thumbs, much like his brethren from other habitats and areas of the continent. In this report, I shalln’t dwell on the commonalities he shares with his genus breed, but rather shall point out some of the typical and differing behaviors.

We spotted a singular male form of this kind of human in our own dwelling den: a hostel on the outskirts of the wilderness in rural Montana. Here are our observations:

COMMUNICATION BEHAVIOR

-       The Californian tends to speak in a loud whisper. It is believed he thinks this gives him a more desirable social ranking.

-       The Californian engages in unsolicited personal history telling.

-       The Californian likes to ask questions such as “Have you guys ever been to Antarctica?”

-       The Californian tends to overestimate dramatically the interest those in his den have in learning about his profession.

-       The Californian communicates using pop phrases that for some reason those around him understand. Yet, upon further inspection, those same people realize the sayings make no sense. Examples include:

• “That would be trippy man!”
• When describing being able to take his motorcycle out in the desert: “Yea, man, you can like ‘open up’ to like 180 or 250 if you wanted to, totally.”
• “Far out, man.”

-       The Californian tends to overuse the word “man” in his speech.

-       The Californian is prone to exaggeration. Especially in moments that would augment his wealth, social status, travel experience, or – likely – the size of “other” appendages.

FEEDING HABITS

-       Thankfully, the Californian brought his own food and has shown an apt ability to cleanse his tools after grazing.

-       Most likely, the Californian is proud of his ability to eat fresh vegetables and gluten-free products.

-       The Californian has exhibited contradictory feeding habits. Most notably stating that he was still hungry after a big meal, but refused an offer by a North Carolinian species for pretzels because he “had a big dinner.”

-       Judging by the slight belly, the Californian lives in freedom of want of food.

SOCIAL BEHAVIOR

-       The Californian tends to evoke a sense of nervousness in his den mates. This nervousness is most closely associated with the similar feeling one gets when approached by a homeless person: where you’re not quite sure what you’re going to hear and not quite sure how painful of an experience it’ll be.

-       The Californian appears to be developing a bond with the North Carolinian, also a male.

-       The Californian enjoys trying to establish social ties with anyone, anyone, and anyone around him who is able to breathe, fart, eat, nod, or otherwise confirms the existence of a beating heart.

-       No grooming techniques have been directly observed, though the Californian miraculously does not appear to give off an odor and does not hint at the ability to grow facial hair.

-       The Californian is happy to share the videos he downloads off of a computer placed in his lap with all of those around him. Even if they are not interested and do not inquire about the loud noise emanating from his knees.

-       The Californian claims to have traveled everywhere, yet, you’re not quite sure he knows where he is at the present moment.

MATING BEHAVIOR

-       Eww, gross.

As discussed, the Californian makes considerable effort to establish a bond with the North Carolinian. Of special note, the North Carolinian if fond of making noises that would most likely be described as “humming” and “yawning,” but also a noise reminiscent of “clearing one’s throat.” The North Carolinian accomplishes these audible feats on a regular basis, typically at intervals every 55 seconds to 1 minute and 5 seconds, but may increase the frequency during any act of expelling energy. Such as standing up or sitting down.

Although not dangerous, the Californian should be avoided at all costs. At this juncture, it is not known whether all of the individuals from the land of California act and behave in such manner. But one should use extreme caution, if one absolutely must engage, when approaching this or any other individual from California. Consequences of not exercising discretion may result in severe boredom, fright, temporary depression, and irreversible bleeding from the ears.

*** THUS CONCLUDES A REPORT ABOUT THE SITING OF A CALIFORNIAN. ***

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