Three examples as to why Canada feels like an alternate universe.

Canada feels like an alternate universe. It’s the best way to describe our experiences in this great country to our north. Marc and I have seen more of Canada than most Americans have and possibly more than a good chunk of Canadians. Between the two of us, we’ve been to most of the major cities except for Vancouver and Edmonton and have been to every province except for BC and Nova Scotia.  Through our various travels, we’ve noticed a few differences that can make you feel like your dreaming, in a cheesy sci-fi miniseries, or – dare I say – on an episode of DeGrassi Junior High? This is despite the fact that many things around you, including the language, remind you of home.

Here are our observances:

1. Passive-Aggressiveness – Ever piss off a Canadian? It’s kinda awesome. Being passive aggressive is hardly a uniquely Canadian experience, but Canadians are just so damn good at it, you might first think so.

   Example: When we checked into our hostel in Lake Louise (outside of Banff), we accidentally walked by a nervous Japanese couple that was tentatively waiting in line off in the distance. Who could blame us for thinking that the registration desk was available for us to approach? Apparently the woman behind the counter.

   What followed was a classic example of Canadian PA.  Yet if I were to type a transcript of the interaction, the words themselves would be harmless.

   “You can get to the third floor by following this hallway and take the stairs two flights up. There’s a shared kitchen downstairs through that doorway. Did you bring your own laptop? Well, here is the security code. The café is open until 9.”

   See? Big deal, huh? But every word she said to us was laced with an undertone of a perfect mixture of anger, frustration, and hostility that she didn’t use with the previous or the following guests she dealt with. Her spite was directly directed at us. So the above quote, in full context, felt like this:

   “YOU can get your rude ass up to your room by following that hallway. Take the stairs because there is no elevator for lazy people and be careful not to knock people over as you pass them. Assuming you know how to cook, there’s a kitchen downstairs. Can you afford a laptop? Really? Ok, here’s the security code which we will change after you check-out.  There’s a bar that serves food here, and it will close at nine. And yes, they serve beer since I know you will ask me that.”

   Whatever part of me is considered a New Yorker after growing up outside the city wanted to say “Listen, you got a problem? Why don’t you just come out and say it!?”

   Not to get all academic, but the cultural anthropologist Edward Hall compared culture in his book Beyond Culture to the now often used iceberg analogy.  Since most of icebergs remain underwater, most of culture too remains invisible. Apparently we had transgressed against a social norm and had to be punished for it, underwater.

1. Canadian Music – Canada is a great country. Everyone is friendly, the scenery is beautiful, and relative to many places in the US, Canada is progressive enough to appeal to our liberal hearts. It kind of feels a little too good to be true. You can even forgive Canada for Saskatchewan and Calgary. That is, until you listen to the radio.

   Canadian music is heavily subsidized by the government and the government requires that a certain percentage of radio stations play Canadian artists. Consequently, this leads to a lot of air time needing to be filled – thus giving many artists a chance to get signed to a label and broadcasted when they otherwise might not be able to do so.  Consequently, there’s only so much Celine Dion, Alanis Morrisette, and Avril Levigne a station can play before they get really desperate.

   What it comes down to is that the “filler music” on Canadian airways sounds like what German pop music would be if it were sung in English. It just kind of hurts. Not so much the melodies, but the lyrics.

   Example: “Failure is the best way to learn. Failure is the best way to learn. Failure is the best way to learn.”

   For the love of god, make it stop.

1. Canadian stores – Don’t be surprised if you’re driving through Canada and see signs for Safeway, Staples, and Starbucks. But that’s not what is interesting. There are a bunch of Canadian stores that you don’t get south of the border. It feels as though you’re in a movie and the producers couldn’t get the rights to use all of the retail logos in the shooting, so they just made up some names.

   Examples: Tim Horton’s (donuts), Grand & Toy (office supplies – OfficeMax’s Canadian arm), Rogers (entertainment), Hudson’s Bay Company (Macy’s, only a lot more important to Canadian history than stupid Macy’s), and Hakim (Lens Crafters).  For crying out loud, even Honda dealerships changed their logo to a red background to accentuate their Canadian-ness rather than a Yankee blue background.

And so we head home, celebrating our Yankee-Doodle-Dandiness, blasting our Neil Young MP3s.

Oh wait, he’s Canadian.